Epilogue

You probably know by now that I am beyond repair. You crushed me. Emotionally, physically and mentally. If there are different kinds of hate, the one I am sporting now should be called infinite. Infinite in such a way that it slowly accumulates deep down inside until I could almost taste it, live it. And I know that this bitter state will not wear off as time passes by. I will hate you more and more with each and every passing moment. So much that I do not wish for karma to strike you down.

I hope that you'll be fine. I hope that you will be pseudo-happy with your life. I hope that you will need to wear a smile on your face everyday knowing fully that you destroyed me. And from within, you will hate yourself as much as I hate you. I hope that you know that I will never again in my life trust a single soul. Never shall I believe in love and anything that is good. Forever I shall curse those who hide under the skirts of their false gods in order to blind themselves of their own fatal flaws. Forever I will remain scarred and you will know that it is all because of you. All because of you.

Your friendship is false. Your faith is false. Your god is false. You don't even have real feelings, for if you did  you'd never have done such acts and walk away. As if I were some game. Some sport that deserves no reason. Like a seagull that you just shot out of sheer boredom and lack of respect for life and the pretense of  anything that's sacred or holly. You are a lie. A lie concocted by you own holier-than-thou illusions.

My grief spits on the face of your gods and everything that you think you believe in. My devastation is a testament that the goodness and the ideals you spoke of can never be real. My ruin will forever be your  burden no matter how hard you pray for it to go away. I will one day forget but you never will. You never will. Because deep inside you know that I will never be the same. The damage you have caused so swift, so deep will always be there. That even as I hold another's hand, never shall they have my full faith because I know that nothing is real. Happiness is deceit. Love is a curse.

No amount of cigarettes can burn my disillusion. No music can mend my broken soul. Alcohol can not drown the pain. No amount of crying can purge my guts off everything solid and abstract. No amount of sorry can mend me.

Sorry does not, will not, will never cut it.

My wishlist for 2012

These are the material things that I hope to have this year (ehem... my birthday is on November, if you know what I'm saying). I don't know why but I keep making a list like this every year. Maybe part of me hopes that my friends and relatives would somehow read it and get hints. Maybe it's also self motivation to save up and buy them for myself. 

1. Viola - I thought I wanted a standard sized violin but thanks to my Sooyoung bias, now I want a viola instead. It's just soooooOO sexy. 

Look at that sexy bitch. 

2. Ukulele - either a cute and Hawaiian designed one (preferably in aquamarine, yellow or pink) made out of mulberry wood or a professional looking rosewood baby. Weird shaped ones are very much lusted.

Gay colors. Yes, please.

3. Usb Condenser mic - with a pop filter because yeah.

We'd be so in love with each other, if only I could afford you.

4. Bamboo flute - It should be Kingflute or something at par with that. With the mouthpiece on the side. Preferably natural or black marble. 

I've been playing for almost twelve years and it's sad that I don't have a working one now. 

Hint: I have a little sister.

5. New deck of tarot cards - Only a few of you know that I read tarots, but yeah I do. I already have a deck but I want a new set. One that is NOT the standard Rider Waite deck because that is what I have now. Not that I'm not happy with it. Actually I love it very much. It is creepily accurate. It's just that there are a lot of decks out there that are sooOO pretty. I want them for aesthetics value. Aside from that, I want to explore them and see if my reading will vary with a different set. If anyone gifts me with a new set, I promise unlimited readings for eternity :)) Some of the decks I like are the following (in no particular order). I actually want all of them .__.

• Aleister Crowly Thot Tarot
• Shadowscape Tarot
• Deviant Moon Tarot <-- this is a favorite
• DruidCraft Tarot
• Goddess Tarot <-- because yeah a goddess needs one
• Pirate Tarot
• Tarot of the Sweet Twilight
• Paulina Tarot

Don't break my heart. Deviant Moon Tarot be mine.

6. Kindle - because ebooks unfff. I don't really need an Ipad or a tab even. I just want to read my ebooks in peace and Kindle is perfect

The non-glossy screen and the paper-like quality... ugh. I need a change of undies.

  7.  Phantom of the Opera tickets - please please pretty please. If not, I'll be gladly accepting donations of any stage play.

Some bastard promised me this and never showed his face again.

8. SM Town concert tickets - with plane tickets because there is no sm town concert in the Philippines. I need to see some ChangKyu lovin in action

Why the hell am I not born as Taemin? WHY?

9. (Missha) BB Cream - because I need bb cream to live and Missha is endorsed by Changmin.... Actually, f you gift me with another Korean brand I wouldn't really complain. BB cream is always appreciated.

Perfection in a bottle? Korean magic.

10. Polaroid Camera - I don't know why but I just want it, need it in my life.

Be mine.

So yeah... that's pretty much the list. I can't think of anything else right now. My priority would be the ukulele. I think I'll buy it next week. As soon as possible. Ughhh~ I need it in my life.

Uhm, yeah...

Asianfanfics

Someone is attacking AFF's server or something and here I am, jittery as shit because I can't upload my update. Even if I already published it in wattpad and in my fanfic blog I still want it on my AFF... Yeah this is just me being oc -____-

AND FUCK YOU HELVETICA. .__.

Trying to be a rapper

So I love to rap but rapping does not love me back.

I heard Phantom's Hole in Your Face just yesterday but it is too damn catchy so I covered it. And Miryo... oh well I can't express how much I love Miryo. Gain used to be my favorite member of BEG but eversince Miryo released a solo album I switched over. She is a goddess... or maybe I am just biased to rappers in general :))

No Surprises

Aloha

Granting that I don't have anything to write today, this post will serve as a 'welcome' post or ground breaking/ribbon cutting of some sort to this new blog. I don't thing anyone would actually come and read this and I don't have any intention of spreading the link until I am sure I like my lay-out. (I find my own banner tacky, somebody kill me)

Today, the ChangSoo fanfics were posted for our fic exchange and considering that I had no one to give me roses or flowers or even Pepero on White Day, this is a good consolation.

I just dreamt last night that I was smoking pink cigarettes. God I miss cigarettes. I am actually torn about completely forgetting about them or return to the habit when I am out of this place. Yes. I'm stupid.

Thank you.